so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
