Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
