your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
