it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
