Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Found the puke drawer
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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