i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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