Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
