so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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