If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
