dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
