Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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