The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
This is my gift to your gina
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
