i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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