it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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