Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
