I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
