I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
