you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
