I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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