3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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