but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
