I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
