your parents love me but you hate me
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
