I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
are you so shy because you have an std?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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