That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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