I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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