I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
