He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
