You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
