just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
