Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
