my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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