Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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