If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just threw up on my dentist
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
