We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
