It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
