So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If I die, sorry about rent.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize