Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
