i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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