There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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