Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
