I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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