Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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