dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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