So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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