Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
bring money and cleavage
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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