so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
