see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
