my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
