Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Randomize
