i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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