so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
