he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
