Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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