After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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