she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
