My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
