my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
