fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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