That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
