I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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