I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
