um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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